What’s on my mind? The same thing on all of the nights whilst I hunt for those ever elusive moments of sleep: Time. Time, Time, TIME.
So finite, yet immense; So fast, yet slow. There it goes; just ticking away. Tick tock tick tock down to the end.
I’ve never quite felt like I experience time the way many others do. Always so aware. Aware of the finite nature of all things. Attempting to squeeze out as much detail from every moment I can get my hands on. Even my memories aren’t on a timeline. A jumble of events seemingly occuring all at once. Yet when I can, I’ll lose myself in the present, pull away from my post in which I monitor time’s passage. It sneaks by me in a rush. A few minutes here, an hour there, a night here, 2 weeks there. Here and gone, never to return.
Even odder than the swiftness in which I see it pass. How it bends like it’s being slungshot around a singularity. Odder than all that is that is others have noticed this on the occasions in which we’ve spent time together. Time spinning out of control while my mind races to each new idea and plan, conversation starting -> flaring -> exploding -> reshaping ->transforming and Bam there it went. I snap back to my awareness very conscious about the time I wasn’t watching, rushing to get the thoughts back under control and organized. I have finite time to work with and so much to do. But which thought path to follow? So many working in parallel. Ideas with ideas, analyses running on every interaction.
Watching people run about while I sit and contemplate the past, future, present, and all of the links in between. Scurrying here and there caught up in their escaping lives and not even necesarily realizing the importance of each moment, nor aware of how each of their moments affects the next, nor how they influence the experience of all those around them.
And on these nights where I can’t even mimic normal sleep the concept of future loses perspective and my focus zooms out to incalculable ranges. Collapses of civilizations, creations of new one’s. The deaths of planets, stars, galaxies, Every thing ends at some point even the stars overhead with their seemingly infinite age, power, and immense beauty.
Time: Hyper aware yet utterly unable to grasp it. As if time and I exist only tangentially towards one another. Each feeling the effect of the other without any direct interaction.
And I’ll leave you with the thought that I remind myself of in order to keep these at bay: Every moment counts. Some moments will be more useful than others. Moments spent relaxing are just as important as those spent enjoying, which are also just as important as those spent working towards anything you feel is important or towards the end of enjoying other moments. This enjoyment could be base on the self or another person or group. It could be even strictly contentment at knowing things are getting taken care of that someone needs to take care of.
Had a bad moment? It will pass. Find what led up to it and try to avoid it in the future. That’s all you can ask of yourself.
Time waits for no one. Now what to do in these moments without rest or focus? that is a question I have yet to answer.